Machine Wins.... blood pressure still up, 144 over 99

Scratch the 120 over 80 taken manually on Tuesday (yesterday).  It probably wasn't right.
At least my BP is not 150s over 100s, like it was last week and just Monday.  I guess that's a positive.
Although, the nurses wouldn't tell me the first result the machine took.  The look on their faces told me it wasn't good.  They simply said, "machine didn't show a number."  Ya right.  They just didn't want to tell me because they know I get upset over it.  So, they did a retake to get the 144 over 99.
Having a difficult time trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I can hear Brian Clement saying one of the most important things to have is a "Happy Head" and, you must have a reason to live in order to live.  I honestly can't think of one.
I don't have a happy head.  I'm very sad.

sounds of water everywhere at HHI - very soothing

I do not want to go on medication.
I want to be happy and healthy, skipping and dancing in a field of flowers beneath a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds and mountains in the near distance.
Today has been the worst day.... 
When I went to go for my psychotherapy appointment this morning, I'm in the waiting area with a bunch of other people.  Both therapists come out, Andy and Anthony.  Say those names out loud and imagine how mistakes can be made...  I'm thinking I have an appointment with Anthony.  Someone else in the room thinks they also have an appointment with Anthony.  As it turns out, the desk had made a mistake with my appointment and they put me with Andy.  Awkward situation because I did not simply want to take the appointment with Andy.  I rescheduled with Anthony and walked back to room disappointed. 
Mid-morning I'm getting ready to go to lecture and IV therapy immediately following.  I look in the fridge to find the beautiful salad I had made for myself the night before to take to IV therapy and...  it's gone!  Someone had taken and eaten my salad!  Fork and knife on the counter the only thing remaining...
Then, IV therapy check-in and the nurses won't even tell me the original read on my blood pressure.
You can bet I was sitting there for the 2+ hours holding back the tears, not always successful.
I'm looking across at cancer patients and I wonder how they aren't crying.  I suppose it's because every time I get my vitals, right there in the office, it's difficult for me.  I imagine every time they look in the mirror, it's difficult for them.
Maybe they have accepted their situation and I just don't want to accept mine.  Damn it.
I wanted to come to HHI and have someone to tell me all those previous blood pressure readings had been a mistake.
I wanted a miracle DAMN IT!

Labyrinth

With the way this day has been going, I'm afraid to hear what Dr. Gehn is going to say when I meet him at 4....

I apologize this is the darkest blog post so far...  But, if I don't tell you the bottom of the barrel, how will we ever be able to fully celebrate and appreciate when I get back to the top!

Don't give up.  Stay focused.  Find purpose. 
More than half through final week three and it's time to do some real soul searching....